.....Welcome..... :)

Sometimes....I'm so tired of trying. Not at life or anything, but like.....uhmmm.....how to explain this without people thinking I'm all "emo" and shit...hmmm....I'm sick of trying to find my "other half" for the lack of a better term. It's not like I'm not trying and just waiting. I do try a little. I try to meet with people to have a nice time....then they never speak to me again. I don't want to sound pitiful or anything, it's just annoying whenever you try so hard and no one is willing to ever try for you.

I see so many people saying that there's always someone out there that finds you beautiful, but how can you believe that when everyone you know calls you a whore, a slut, a man, and so much other shit?? Even your own friends....How can you believe that you're beautiful when you know that people don't think so? one person against ten. Where does it tend to lean to? that one person, or those ten?? I know I shouldn't focus on those who talk shit, but can you truly forget about everything that was said? Example...If I told you to not think about hubcaps, what are you going to start thinking about?.....hubcaps!! Yeah, you may forget after a while, but you're gonna remember it eventually. Something reminds you or you're sitting alone with nothing to do and it just tends to come up in your mind. It just sorta happens. You don't want it to, you don't try, but it happens. does anyone else know what I'm talking about, or am I alone on this one?? lol

I know that if my friends talk shit like that, they're not really friends, but what's a more worse way to make someone feel bad than knowing what they say, and making it known you know, but never showing your mad? Be nice and sweet and let them suffer in silence? Let then drown in it, eat it and breath it every single day and having to see that it doesn't change anything. It doesn't make you disappear. It doesn't make you try to kill them. It doesn't make you run away. it doesn't make you cry or make you apologize that a guy just didn't fucking love them like they said they did when they were smashed. I'm done. I'm not nice anymore. I'm at the edge. hanging over it like a fucking boss. (punny?)

I'm not going to take this anymore. I know who I want to be. So......Welcome. I'm fucking done. :)

*shakes head*

Okay, so I'm kinda just sitting here with....I can't really call it writer's block, because I know what I want to write, it just feels like I CAN'T ya know? :/ Like...I know exactly how this story is going to go and what it's going to be about and stuff, but I can't find the motivation to actually WRITE it... :/ I'm awkward, I know, but I always get like then, and when I actually get the motivation, I'm never at my computer, but somewhere where I can't write at all. O.o
I tend to do that a lot, but it just works somehow. lol XD

Don't be like me.

I'm going to write a confessional on here for myself. I need to relieve some of this weight that's been on my shoulder's for a long time:

I cut. Yes, I still do. I don't want to, but it's getting to the point where I can't fight the urges any longer. People hate me. I know that. I fully accept it but you know, I just pretend I don't notice as to not cause a disturbance. Losing people is something I'm not good with, so I just write it off. Yes, I know i can be annoying, but It's not like I TRY to just to annoy others. I'm not that ignorant.

Another thing that I can barely accept myself:...........I'm anorexic........I may not look like it, but I fight with myself to eat something every day as to not faint with undernourishment. It's not fun. It's not easy. I look in the mirror every morning and hate the way I look. I hate shopping for clothes because it shows me how fat I am. and no, I'm not a size 2, or 4 or 8. I would love to be. I am a size 13/14. And I hate myself. I try so hard to put on a happy face and seem like I'm so happy with the way I am and proud of myself, but I'm not. I wish I was someone else. I wish I just had a different life.

So now, I sit here crying because I can't do it anymore. I can't keep putting on this mask and letting you all think I'm so fucking happy when I'm not.

I'm not happy.

My memories haunt me every single fucking night.

And no one ever let's me forget.

I act like nothing can hurt me. Like I can brush everything off. But I can't.

I'm blamed for everything. can't ever be anyone else's fault but mine. and it stings SO badly that I'm lying to my best friends every single fucking day and I just can't say anything because I'm so afraid to admit any of this to myself, even though I know it's true!!!!

Learn from my mistakes. Don't be like me. Please, for God's sake, DON'T BE LIKE ME!!!!!!!!

I don't want to be like me.

~Miku Takahashi~

HAPPEH!!!!!

OH MY LORD!!!!!!!!!! okay.....so my last post I talked about how I thought I completely screwed my chances over with this guy because I felt like I may have pushed him away.....NOPE!!!!! XD I'm actually gonna go over to his house tomorrow!!! Oh my I'm so excited and happy!!!!! XD Like, I didn't think it would work out, even though I hoped that it would!! So the fact that it really did work out for me, is like a miracle of some sorts!!! lmfao XD I know I'm totally overreacting right now, but no other guy gives me a second chance anymore. I mean, most guys that I first meet no longer want to speak to me after the fact. So it is somewhat of a big deal to me, even if it is really small.....lol
I mean, now I'm all nervous and stuff and it's like....I just turned into a girly girl!! lol I usually never fuss over looking my "best" at all times. I'm the kind of girl that likes to wear t-shirts and jeans. But for some reason, I feel the need to like, impress him and dress all cute like! O.o This isn't normal for me, but I guess I'll just go ahead and go along with it and see where it takes me. Sometimes I should just shut up and follow my instincts, right? lol Maybe it's for the best for now. :P Let my "girly" instincts to kick in, right? O.o But of course, there's a VERY fine line between girly and SLUTTY lol I'm sure we all understand that concept. :)
But for now, I must rest up some for the day to come. :)

Confuzzled...

Okay....problem....*takes breath* I like this guy. Kay? But i think I may have pushed him away by not making it obvious I was interested...So right now, I'm just realizing it and it's like...that odd sense of loss and regret. So it's like...I just dont know. I didnt realize I liked him this much until yesterday, and now it just feels like I'm missing out on SO much. I dont quite know what to do now. I'm thinking that I'm just going to have to wait and see if it'll work out in my favor or not. I'm hoping it will, but it's like I'm SO worried and whatnot that my mind keeps racing around so much with all these thoughts so it's like....i feel like breaking down, almost....but I wont. I'll just drown myself in something else so I wont have the time to think. I just need to keep really busy.....Wish me luck....

I felt like writing some more, so here's another update to my blog. :)

I'm feeling a little depressed right now. I know it could be caused by a multitude of things at this point, but I just hate feeling like this now-a-times.....like, I'm happy, then I just feel randomly left out and It's like...I know that I'm not, but it still feels like it sometimes....I love all my friends, and I know they love me, but sometimes I want a little more. :/ Like, right now, I keep thinking about this one person and it's just.....so difficult to explain!! Lol but....you know how you have these fancies of daydreams and you want them to come true SOOOO bad but you can't find the hope to believe it will? Like when you try to see into the future and you want it to turn out a certian way, and you want it to be that way with all your heart but you just can't find the will and hope to believe it will turn out that way....I know I'm just rambling right now...and even if there's no one reading this right now, or even ever, i want to believe there's someone out there that knows what I'm talking about and knows how I feel....and even as I sit in the back of my friend's car all depressed, he puts on our little song to dance to cheer me up....even if it's not that much....It makes me smile so big knowing that all of my friends keep me in their thoughts. Sometimes, it's the little things that cheer you up the most. :)

All That Jazz

"I had a date last night. And it was awesome!! My first date in my entire life!! ^_^ he paid and everything and honestly....I loved it. I do like him. He's one of those guys that are funny yet laid back, but still tries to impress you. :) I mean, he drove!! :O I never have a chance like that. Almost every single one of my ex's didn't know how to drive, didn't have a car, or didn't want to drive.....I take that back. Every single one of my ex's were like that. XD and the funny thing is, I didn't feel uncomfortable around him. Like, I wasnt self-concious at all, and usually I always am. I'm always worried about how I look because I'm uncomfortable with my weight and all that jazz. So it sort of was a deal to me. Lol!! But I always have this feeling afterwards that I'm just not good enough and I'll just be ignored after the fact because it almost always happens, and the one time when that didnt happen, he just used me for a stupid book!! -_-" yeah, long story. I might write it later, kinda doubt it though. Lol bad memories. But I don't know....It was so nice and I had so much fun. I love it when a guy can actually make me laugh and smile. I dont smile too often unless I'm with my friends, so it's sort of a deal to me. :P. I'm just sitting here writing and thinking back on the entire night and how nice it was. That there's someone who enjoys singing and smoking and having fun doing stupid shit but not actually risking their lives. Having fun getting kicked out of target and walmart and seeing it as a fantastic memory and not something it's to be ashamed of. :) yes...I'm literally smiling right now because I can almost never find someone like that....and if I do....yeah....douche canoes...lol
I think I'm going to go ahead and talk to this guy more because, well....I likes.... :3