I love my friends. :) they drag me around to the craziest places and bring SO much fun into my life, I don't know where I would be without them. :) They stick by me and never leave me completely alone. They cheer me up and talk me through everything. I'm so glad I have them!! lol :D I do so much for them, and knowing that I'm getting the same thing in return means so much to me. :) If you're reading this....I love you guys!! :D I know that I can be a pain sometimes, and we can come off as harsh to one another, but knowing that we mean the best by it is what truly matters. Yes, we sometimes lie if we're okay or not, but sometimes we need to to not let others worry. But when you're truly about to breakdown and cry or freak out, please....let each other know. I try so hard to let you guys know how I'm feeling when I get seriously hurt by something. yeah, I bitch about my family a lot, but that's usually the only thing that bothers me....stupid, I know, but it does. lol You know that I would chase down each and every last one of you and tackle you to tell me what is wrong and to keep you out of danger. But if you kick and scream and pout, I can't. I can't do it. You have to WANT to be tackles. Yes, I can tell. Because I know if you're going to pull up something that'll hurt me, and sometimes, I'm not prepared for that. I'm not prepared to know how much of a whore I am, even though I've only had 3 partners. I'm not prepared to know how much of a bitch I am, even though I listen to every good thing and bad thing 50 times over in a week. Even though I let you guys vent as much as you need to. Even though I let you use me as a punching bag and let you bitch me out, because I know it'll make you feel better. but when the times get rough, I remember every hateful thing.....Like the time I ended up almost killing myself in the parking lot of a school when someone I love like a sister told me I'm better off dead. If I never existed. ONE person talked me out of it, and now he pretty much hates me. I almost did it. I really almost did. Then I went back to that house.....and drank. I drank to get rid of the pain it brought me. Drank to wash away the comments that 2 other people told me about them both. Drank to forget that you're the one who said it. And that's why I drank every other time I was there. To forget that moment. And yes, there still are times that that's the only reason why I want to drink....To forget that pain. To forget what everyone said. And now, I'm sitting here thinking about all of this.....and no, I don't want to die, I want to escape it all......by drinking. Not to function. No. I need to make that clear. clearly I don't need it to function, because the last time I drank was about 7 months ago. But it makes me think of happy times and to create new memories that we can laugh about. I love laughing. To the point where I can no longer breath, type of laughing. :D it's fun to me!! lol
But I want to point out something.....Even though I don't have a way to escape, with all these nasty things that are said about me "behind my back" and me still loving each and every one of my friends, NO MATTER WHAT, with all the bullshit that's going down, with all of this all combined with clinical depression, I still pull through. I don't let it get to me. If I'm like your sister, love me unconditionally. Don't blame me for things I didn't do. If you're harsh to me, I'll give you the same treatment. I'm not all that nice anymore, and if I am, it's the devilish type of nice. Like....I'm gonna kill you in your sleep with a sweet smile and in a sweet tone type of nice lol!! I've just reached that point. Yes, I can still be nice, but if you can't talk it out, I won't either. I can't keep prodding everyone anymore. I can't chase after you all the time unless I feel like you're in danger. I can control myself. I don't use those excuses. If you want to say something, SAY IT!!!! Don't leave me in the dark. Like I said before: "I don't care if you call me a whore, or a bitch, just say it to my face and not expect me to just know!!! You say it out loud and to my face, we're cool. Yeah, I'm gonna be mad, but you can't expect me to NOT be mad. I'm just gonna be grateful that you have that courage to say that to me and not be afraid of me."
<3
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