yeah.

I hate this. Imagine doing everything you possibly can to make others AND yourself happy, only to realize all you do is disappoint people with failing, even when you try your best. Imagine trying to be "perfect" for everyone AND yourself, and just finding out that you can't. You've failed once again. Try being told that you're weak. That you're just not trying hard enough. that it's all in your head...........I can't........I can't............I can't anymore..............I just can't...............................

Everyone....PLEASE don't ever take your friends or ANYONE in your life for granted. They're there for you for a reason, and even if they do something stupid, it doesn't mean that it's always worth to disown them or anything. Don't forget them, because one day you might get a phone call and learn they died. You never know what'll happen. Spend as much time with your friends as you can. Please, for each other. Don't let good memories go to waste. Always be careful. Never let down your guard. I don't mean be paranoid, but always be aware of everything around you.

We don't stay around forever. So enjoy yourself as much as you can, but please be careful. Please? :3

*glug* nom....Captian.....

I love my friends. :) they drag me around to the craziest places and bring SO much fun into my life, I don't know where I would be without them. :) They stick by me and never leave me completely alone. They cheer me up and talk me through everything. I'm so glad I have them!! lol :D I do so much for them, and knowing that I'm getting the same thing in return means so much to me. :) If you're reading this....I love you guys!! :D I know that I can be a pain sometimes, and we can come off as harsh to one another, but knowing that we mean the best by it is what truly matters. Yes, we sometimes lie if we're okay or not, but sometimes we need to to not let others worry. But when you're truly about to breakdown and cry or freak out, please....let each other know. I try so hard to let you guys know how I'm feeling when I get seriously hurt by something. yeah, I bitch about my family a lot, but that's usually the only thing that bothers me....stupid, I know, but it does. lol You know that I would chase down each and every last one of you and tackle you to tell me what is wrong and to keep you out of danger. But if you kick and scream and pout, I can't. I can't do it. You have to WANT to be tackles. Yes, I can tell. Because I know if you're going to pull up something that'll hurt me, and sometimes, I'm not prepared for that. I'm not prepared to know how much of a whore I am, even though I've only had 3 partners. I'm not prepared to know how much of a bitch I am, even though I listen to every good thing and bad thing 50 times over in a week. Even though I let you guys vent as much as you need to. Even though I let you use me as a punching bag and let you bitch me out, because I know it'll make you feel better. but when the times get rough, I remember every hateful thing.....Like the time I ended up almost killing myself in the parking lot of a school when someone I love like a sister told me I'm better off dead. If I never existed. ONE person talked me out of it, and now he pretty much hates me. I almost did it. I really almost did. Then I went back to that house.....and drank. I drank to get rid of the pain it brought me. Drank to wash away the comments that 2 other people told me about them both. Drank to forget that you're the one who said it. And that's why I drank every other time I was there. To forget that moment. And yes, there still are times that that's the only reason why I want to drink....To forget that pain. To forget what everyone said. And now, I'm sitting here thinking about all of this.....and no, I don't want to die, I want to escape it all......by drinking. Not to function. No. I need to make that clear. clearly I don't need it to function, because the last time I drank was about 7 months ago. But it makes me think of happy times and to create new memories that we can laugh about. I love laughing. To the point where I can no longer breath, type of laughing. :D it's fun to me!! lol

But I want to point out something.....Even though I don't have a way to escape, with all these nasty things that are said about me "behind my back" and me still loving each and every one of my friends, NO MATTER WHAT, with all the bullshit that's going down, with all of this all combined with clinical depression, I still pull through. I don't let it get to me. If I'm like your sister, love me unconditionally. Don't blame me for things I didn't do. If you're harsh to me, I'll give you the same treatment. I'm not all that nice anymore, and if I am, it's the devilish type of nice. Like....I'm gonna kill you in your sleep with a sweet smile and in a sweet tone type of nice lol!! I've just reached that point. Yes, I can still be nice, but if you can't talk it out, I won't either. I can't keep prodding everyone anymore. I can't chase after you all the time unless I feel like you're in danger. I can control myself. I don't use those excuses. If you want to say something, SAY IT!!!! Don't leave me in the dark. Like I said before: "I don't care if you call me a whore, or a bitch, just say it to my face and not expect me to just know!!! You say it out loud and to my face, we're cool. Yeah, I'm gonna be mad, but you can't expect me to NOT be mad. I'm just gonna be grateful that you have that courage to say that to me and not be afraid of me."

<3

Never Ending Drama

Maybe I should go away for a while....I just don't wanna deal with any of this shit anymore. I really wanna just move away to Chicago, take up on that offer, and live drama free. Live without worrying if I'm going to cry myself to sleep because my friends like to hate me and say such nasty things but never directly to my face. How can people be so spineless???? Thing is, I don't even mean that in a bad way!!! I'd rather be bitched at to my face than indirectly and in a pussy ass way. I HATE IT!!!!! You're supposed to be my friend, so why can't you share anything anymore?! You're supposed to tell me if I'm stupid, give me reasons, tell me if I'm wrong. Why did this all of a sudden change?? You're supposed to sit there and listen to me complain like I let you do. Support me in ANYTHING No matter how much it may hurt you.....just like I did.

why did that change....?

Why can't you speak up anymore?

What the fuck did I do?


Forget it. I don't wanna know. Not like you would ever tell me, anyways. I'm going away for a while. I'm not gonna deal with this stupid game.....I hate the drama.....I just want it to be gone......why can't we all just be nice and not talk shit behind each other's backs???? WHY IS THAT SO HARD?!?! WE'RE FRIENDS!!!!!!! WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD?!?!?! >.<"

So, I want to ask you: What gives you the right to judge me?? What gives you the right to tell me if I'm a good or bad person?? What gives you the right to believe I'm going to hurt you?? What gives you the right to do as God does? To judge others? You don't know me, and even if you do, I doubt that you're not pig-headed to understand why I do the thinks I do. If I have odd colored hair, what of it? Does it mean I'm a murderer? Does it means I was raised wrong? Does it mean I'm a failure? Remember back when dying your hair ANY natural color was odd and unaccepted? Now look at it. It's normal. It's almost expected!! If we see someone with pretty colored hair, we ask if they dyed it. And a decade from now, it'll be the same with blue and pink and purple and green. It may be hard to believe now, but you never know. There was a time when birth control was tabboo. Now that's the first thing a guy asks when he's about to have sex. It's what girls WANT to have. Times change people!! Instead of trying to deny the fate this world has, why not just accept it and make it an easier process?? It's like trying to stop teens from having sex. You can preach as much as you want, but there's NEVER a garentee. You can never be sure of the outcome. Some people won't dye their hair. Some people will. It's all a matter of the individual person's personality, and no matter how much you wanna say you know ur kids or your friends or your siblings, there's always something you don't know about. Something big, small, life-changing, or life-ending. There's always something you don't know, so acting like you know everything about someone is arrogant and ignorant. So don't do it. You'll only make yourself out to be an idiot, a bad parent or bad sibling. Kay? I have to watch me and my friends miss a train home by 5 seconds because of a cop who thought we were bad. We had on wigs.....WIGS!!!!! Then I watched as they took away WOODEN weapons. I can understand steel or something, but wood??? Plywood at that?! This just disappoints me, so much. That they can try and stop the shootings and muggings and all this hate crime ON the trains, but instead they act innocent and say there's "nothing more they can do to resolve the issue."

Stop being the sterotypical society and welcome yourself into the new age. Times change. Just accept it.

.....Welcome..... :)

Sometimes....I'm so tired of trying. Not at life or anything, but like.....uhmmm.....how to explain this without people thinking I'm all "emo" and shit...hmmm....I'm sick of trying to find my "other half" for the lack of a better term. It's not like I'm not trying and just waiting. I do try a little. I try to meet with people to have a nice time....then they never speak to me again. I don't want to sound pitiful or anything, it's just annoying whenever you try so hard and no one is willing to ever try for you.

I see so many people saying that there's always someone out there that finds you beautiful, but how can you believe that when everyone you know calls you a whore, a slut, a man, and so much other shit?? Even your own friends....How can you believe that you're beautiful when you know that people don't think so? one person against ten. Where does it tend to lean to? that one person, or those ten?? I know I shouldn't focus on those who talk shit, but can you truly forget about everything that was said? Example...If I told you to not think about hubcaps, what are you going to start thinking about?.....hubcaps!! Yeah, you may forget after a while, but you're gonna remember it eventually. Something reminds you or you're sitting alone with nothing to do and it just tends to come up in your mind. It just sorta happens. You don't want it to, you don't try, but it happens. does anyone else know what I'm talking about, or am I alone on this one?? lol

I know that if my friends talk shit like that, they're not really friends, but what's a more worse way to make someone feel bad than knowing what they say, and making it known you know, but never showing your mad? Be nice and sweet and let them suffer in silence? Let then drown in it, eat it and breath it every single day and having to see that it doesn't change anything. It doesn't make you disappear. It doesn't make you try to kill them. It doesn't make you run away. it doesn't make you cry or make you apologize that a guy just didn't fucking love them like they said they did when they were smashed. I'm done. I'm not nice anymore. I'm at the edge. hanging over it like a fucking boss. (punny?)

I'm not going to take this anymore. I know who I want to be. So......Welcome. I'm fucking done. :)