Old Stuff Turned New

I kinda don't like this.
I say "Kinda" for a reason. I love it. like legit love.... yeah..."Love." -sighs- But...I don't like it because well.."love!" lol I mean...It took me almost a year to realize that I never got over him. How? Because he called me the nickname he gave me a year ago. "Bunneh." He called me it. I busted into tears. So clearly...lol But...the part that is killing me is knowing that it won't ever happen again. But then we talked today, and it didn't go as horribly as I thought it would...though his words don't match with his actions. So...He might start avoiding me again which is one of the things I dread the most. He says: "You know I can always make you smile in the end." Well...can you? I'm crying. lol I'm upset. I'm depressed. I'm alone. I'm so lonely...I'm frowning. Can't the end come sooner? All I want to do right now is smile. No...that's a lie. I also want to hug you, breathe you in, savor every moment. cherish it. make it into a fantastic memory. You're afraid to hurt me and treat me like shit?? Dude, six guys cheated on me and you couldn't although you were being blackmailed. I think you'll be fine. lol I just...I don't want to be away from you....I can't do that anymore. I don't want to. I won't...But I think I'm going to have to.

I don't like that....

I'm sorry...but I still love you. :///

"Are You Worth My Time????"

Why is it that girls do these stupid Facebook status things? Example: "Like this status and I'll rate you"
...really? We're rating each other? I mean, I understand that this goes on anyway in our minds, but putting it out there to others?? Everyone has an average of, what? 100 friends on Facebook? So we're exposing that person to your judgement to around 100 people on average?! How does that make any sense?? Even if it were personal, why would you want that? I know I don't want to know what other's rate me...I already have too many image issues, and a stupid number from spiteful people will only make that worse. Make me hate myself more. Why would anyone want to be rated with a stupid number?? Why should it matter?? Okay, so some girls just want to know what their crush thinks of them. okay...seems harmless. but then what if they give you a low number? How's that going to make you feel? Like shit, right? Well, you asked for it, but yet you're still going to mentally blame them for giving you that number and making you feel bad. You did it to yourself! What were you expecting? lol seriously!
*sigh* Okay...and all these other stupid status things...what's another one? Let me go to the "all knowing" facebook and see...
Okay, okay, time out. what is the significance of Marrying someone on Facebook?? does it make you feel important?? I mean...seriously! Why does it fucking matter?? Are you trying to make an ex- jealous?? Or make your crush want you more?? NEWS FLASH!! It doesn't work!! Move on...
Hmm...what else...?
Holy sweet Jesus...."Are you worth my time?"
:)
Wow.
What the fuck is wrong with you guys?! I mean....does belittling people make you feel fucking powerful or something?! I know a good handful of "friends" would out-right say no. And I pray that they're not trying to bait me with that, cause I don't fucking care. You ditched me on my birthday, go fuck yourselves. Anywho.
Grow up.
Yeah, my language may not sound grown up, but take a step back and think...Is knowing any of this petty stuff going to make you feel better? No. They can lie. Tell the truth. But it doesn't mean it'll make you feel better about your friendship. If someone told me that I'm not worth their time. Psh! *delete* I ain't even mad. But how would you react? You'd keep them on there. Stalk their status' wondering if it's about you. Stop! It doesn't matter anymore! Besides, if your wondering this without any specific reason, why are you friends with them at all? Friends are supposed to be there for you through thick and thin no matter what. Always supposed to support you, even if you sound stupid half the time. But if you sit there, staring at the computer and wonder if your worth their time or what their rating of you is...Seriously get a life.
No one deserves to live like that. So you only have 2 close friends? So what? doesn't matter how many friends you have, it's the quality of the friendship and how close you are. THAT, my dear readers, is what a real friend is.
Now go ahead, log off, sign out, close everything and sign out. There's fresh air outside. Enjoy it. :)
<3

"That Emo Kid!"

That moment when you feel completely alone, even though you're not alone....odd...I don't care....and I swear, if one of you ever fucking read this and go "Oh another emo kid" I swear, I'll cut you <.<" don't make me record my 10 minute speech and make you watch it!! <.<" anywho...-le sulks- lol no no....

I'm falling again! lol

and I hate it! I hate myself! I'm disappointed in myself so much right now, and all I can do is cry. and yet, I put on a happy face and don't let anyone know...why do I do this to myself? If it's "all in my head" then why won't it stop?
Tell me this, Society...If it's all in my fucking head, why am I still depressed? I was happy dammit!!!! I had fucking motivation!! I was doing so well!! and now what?!?! WHAT?! Why is this fucking happening again?! I can't do this anymore!! I don't fucking want this!! NO!!!!
I can't...I love being happy more than anything in the world, and it was taken away from me...AGAIN!!
...I don't want this anymore...I don't know how to stop it...I don't....I don't like this at all...How do I fix myself? how?
just...how?...

Safety...

To be honest, I went through a lot in my past relationships. Not saying that they weren't good, but...*sighs* It's complicated. For example: My last relationship. Yes, I may say that I don't care for him anymore, but I know that a little part of my heart will always love him, which does make it hard sometimes to be around him, though we stay as good friends. So now, especially after him...I can't seem to find anyone. Not saying that I haven't been trying, because I have, but every time that I get close to someone and see that chance....I back away. I get scared. As of now, I do get scared. I'm scared at this very moment!! I would like to..ya know..date and all that nice shit...but...I can't...I'm afraid....I don't even know what I'm afraid of!! lol I just...
If you can't tell, I'm really confused right now...I can't even think straight enough to write this, but I just had the urge to share shit for some reason.. :/
Yeah...
I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!!!
yeah...I'm a natural flirty person, but now...as it's just...the way it is right now..I can't!! I just...I have the literal urge to run away...and I feel terrible for feeling this way, but the fact is that I do.
How do I deal with this?
How do I handle it?
How do I feel safe about this??
I guess that's it, right there....I don't feel safe.....
.......I can't......

MAdness II

I'm not afraid anymore. I understand it. It's more than bEing angry,  or being pushed,  or instigated... it's knowing what you want. How you want things to go. Usually,  the more afraid of it you are,  the more it happens.  With me, it's different. I got threats,  but never the full blow. now.... I understand it. I feel my heart pounding in my chest, slowly being able to hear it in my ears. I cant control it,  but it happens when I need it the most. When Me,  myself, am too afraid to speak out because of the consequences... it's my way of dealing. JUst how it is. YOu have your ways,  I have mine. Let's leave it at that,  shall we?  :)

MADNESS....

Sometimes it's like i cant think straight.... the MadneSs overtakes me.  I cant stand it.  It scares me. I'm afraid of what i might happen. What i would do.  What i would say. Who i might hurt. I'm afraid. I dont know what to do sometimes.  Especially when it happens... how do i stop it?..... i dont think i can...

yeah.

I hate this. Imagine doing everything you possibly can to make others AND yourself happy, only to realize all you do is disappoint people with failing, even when you try your best. Imagine trying to be "perfect" for everyone AND yourself, and just finding out that you can't. You've failed once again. Try being told that you're weak. That you're just not trying hard enough. that it's all in your head...........I can't........I can't............I can't anymore..............I just can't...............................